i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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