I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize