Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
