I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
