he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
