just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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