Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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