I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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