How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
