2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize