Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
