I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
