I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
