my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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