how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize