i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
