I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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