Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
