I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
