everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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