alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
