I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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