If i come over, it means nothing
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
