my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
