I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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