If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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