Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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