I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
