i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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