On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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