In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found your dick twin last night
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
