It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How does it feel to date your dad?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
