Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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