Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
