Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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