she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
