Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize