Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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