her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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