So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
