My hair reeks of homosexuality.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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