Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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