census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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