a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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