I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
