I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
