I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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