does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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