when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The feeling are messing with the penis
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
