So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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