I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
