i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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