You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
