it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
