I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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