You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
