I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
