he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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