my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
