So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
