Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
