can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
