My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Your cock deserves a montage
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize