I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
