I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
