Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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